ah! rainy flower!!!
Friday, June 24
Thursday, June 23
Sunday, June 19
identity crisis
that i think my blog is going through - there is enough light fluff stuff and then there are my deep philosophical ponderings, and then out of nowhere i have my turbulent shadow boxing with people of the past - all these don't match - chapters of seperate books, different typefaces, but they are all me,
in fact at the beginning this blog was to be pretty much anonymous, and here i am divulging details of locations, people and stuff like that - in some ways important characters that were needed for the plot, in other ways, maybe people who wouldnt want featured here undisguised- so where do we go now? and my deepest fears - i meet someone who's read my blog and finds out it is me, and the other one - people i have written about actually chance upon the blog.... eeowwww!
actually who reads this blog anyway, dont think i should be so paranoid... maybe i should just change my name.... or maybe it is a pseudonym!! right - there you have it, i am not me, this is someone else!! d- uh!!
in fact at the beginning this blog was to be pretty much anonymous, and here i am divulging details of locations, people and stuff like that - in some ways important characters that were needed for the plot, in other ways, maybe people who wouldnt want featured here undisguised- so where do we go now? and my deepest fears - i meet someone who's read my blog and finds out it is me, and the other one - people i have written about actually chance upon the blog.... eeowwww!
actually who reads this blog anyway, dont think i should be so paranoid... maybe i should just change my name.... or maybe it is a pseudonym!! right - there you have it, i am not me, this is someone else!! d- uh!!
Tuesday, June 14
another blog hatelist
totally bullshitty blogs these days
full of selling acne cream, cheap laptops, girlie pics or poker casino stuff???
or they are in a strange language - have to go through reams of uselesness before latching onto anything readable... faf!
full of selling acne cream, cheap laptops, girlie pics or poker casino stuff???
or they are in a strange language - have to go through reams of uselesness before latching onto anything readable... faf!
recommended on so many sites
that i finally watched amelie! really good... but for once i want to see a non love story movie....... hmmmmmmmmmmm, batman, anyone?
in case
you were worrying about me, which in most cases will certainly be not the case, - posts like the last one - are just once in a while eruptions, just my tendency for melodrama, to exhale toxic thoughts etc.. and i am fine
given up on the laptop, settlling for a mp3 phone, and hopefully buying it this week , also buying clothes if i can find the right place to pick up what i can almost imagine but couldnt find...
and found this room in a bungalow with a huge terrace where peacocks visit - and waltz in the rain - reading an average of two books a week and planning three vacations!! and seen three useless movies... and tried to drown in the drizzle yesterday - wow this place really does need rain for the weather to cheer up...
on the downside - unexpected cat visit totally spooked me, and the total absence of sound while reading unnerves me sometimes ( hence the phone) and electric kettle can only give you insta noodles and tea - so i starve often - too lazy to go out alone, too unsociable to ask anyone -
living alone makes you appreciate many a things - instability for instance - ha ha - but i love the fact that rightnow i simply dont have to do anything i dont want to do,
i dont have to be polite, i dont have to be right, i can cook, i can starve, as long as the money trickling in is enough for me to live on, this year i dont care,
any maybe noone else does too
but it is well worth it - this year of wanderings wonderings... bangalore - jaipur - delhi - pune and now ahmedabad next stop kolkata.... whew!!
given up on the laptop, settlling for a mp3 phone, and hopefully buying it this week , also buying clothes if i can find the right place to pick up what i can almost imagine but couldnt find...
and found this room in a bungalow with a huge terrace where peacocks visit - and waltz in the rain - reading an average of two books a week and planning three vacations!! and seen three useless movies... and tried to drown in the drizzle yesterday - wow this place really does need rain for the weather to cheer up...
on the downside - unexpected cat visit totally spooked me, and the total absence of sound while reading unnerves me sometimes ( hence the phone) and electric kettle can only give you insta noodles and tea - so i starve often - too lazy to go out alone, too unsociable to ask anyone -
living alone makes you appreciate many a things - instability for instance - ha ha - but i love the fact that rightnow i simply dont have to do anything i dont want to do,
i dont have to be polite, i dont have to be right, i can cook, i can starve, as long as the money trickling in is enough for me to live on, this year i dont care,
any maybe noone else does too
but it is well worth it - this year of wanderings wonderings... bangalore - jaipur - delhi - pune and now ahmedabad next stop kolkata.... whew!!
Monday, June 13
angry letters part 2
cheese moves
mice move
and i moved
when ? when did things start to sour
i could only faintly taste it
not expecting so much nothing
so suddenly
at least
the least you could have done was taper it off
so that i may be cushioned from the shock
rather than free fall into bitterness
at the most vulnerable time
just when i was coming out of the shell
out of the white and yellow house
of my comfort zone
when i moved
to brave the brave new world
first real life blow from
unexpected so unexpected quarters
damn!
like miranada!
ha ha!
its like the blow that is blossomming with time
and i find myself soemtimes still reeling from the
shock
mostly at the unfairness of it all
and why you didnt see it as unfair
or was it a pawn in a larger fairness
doled out to someone exponentially more important
does that mean the finite injustice was ok for the
infinite
then i do hope you got
some infinity
to carry in your pocket
in the space of your mind
from where
i emerged
like a discarded memory
like a send save discard function
how does one forgive when it is not asked for
in my imagination
(and i have such vast stores of that)
i have cursed (not only in my imagination)
i have apologised (reverse psychology)
i have raved and ranted and hath fury
i have set fire - to your home, to your engagement
rings and your wedding card (i guess i wont even be
invited)
but how why - i miss the histronics
thats hould have accompanied this
this discarded memory protests
protest the lack of ceremony
the lack of dignity, the lack of explanation
maybe even the lack of coffee to combat the bitterness
and if you thought it would cease to matter, it wont
hopefully it wont be as pulsating a resentment
just fade into something less than nothingness
or something more
i am waiting
for that
so that i can finally
stop sending you
these silly mails
which do nothing
probably dont even get read
no re, i wasnt in love with you, no crush nothing,
just got dependent for daily dose of normalcy
of stability
of a dozen smses
and didnt expect it to get snatched away so rudely
without a by your leave thing
nothing at all
no explanation
left me wondering what i had done
that was the problem
even if it wasnt something i had done then why?
why couldnt you simply appeal to my rational/ irrational (cause i have both) mind to help you out - rather than ousting me so painfully??????????????????????????
i wish i could something really cruel and mean at the end of this that could make you feel breathless with shock and hurt.
but no ammunition
áll i have is this wallowing self pity
pathetic
and then to come and expose it in your inbox,
you must be crazy if you think i will actually send this
mice move
and i moved
when ? when did things start to sour
i could only faintly taste it
not expecting so much nothing
so suddenly
at least
the least you could have done was taper it off
so that i may be cushioned from the shock
rather than free fall into bitterness
at the most vulnerable time
just when i was coming out of the shell
out of the white and yellow house
of my comfort zone
when i moved
to brave the brave new world
first real life blow from
unexpected so unexpected quarters
damn!
like miranada!
ha ha!
its like the blow that is blossomming with time
and i find myself soemtimes still reeling from the
shock
mostly at the unfairness of it all
and why you didnt see it as unfair
or was it a pawn in a larger fairness
doled out to someone exponentially more important
does that mean the finite injustice was ok for the
infinite
then i do hope you got
some infinity
to carry in your pocket
in the space of your mind
from where
i emerged
like a discarded memory
like a send save discard function
how does one forgive when it is not asked for
in my imagination
(and i have such vast stores of that)
i have cursed (not only in my imagination)
i have apologised (reverse psychology)
i have raved and ranted and hath fury
i have set fire - to your home, to your engagement
rings and your wedding card (i guess i wont even be
invited)
but how why - i miss the histronics
thats hould have accompanied this
this discarded memory protests
protest the lack of ceremony
the lack of dignity, the lack of explanation
maybe even the lack of coffee to combat the bitterness
and if you thought it would cease to matter, it wont
hopefully it wont be as pulsating a resentment
just fade into something less than nothingness
or something more
i am waiting
for that
so that i can finally
stop sending you
these silly mails
which do nothing
probably dont even get read
no re, i wasnt in love with you, no crush nothing,
just got dependent for daily dose of normalcy
of stability
of a dozen smses
and didnt expect it to get snatched away so rudely
without a by your leave thing
nothing at all
no explanation
left me wondering what i had done
that was the problem
even if it wasnt something i had done then why?
why couldnt you simply appeal to my rational/ irrational (cause i have both) mind to help you out - rather than ousting me so painfully??????????????????????????
i wish i could something really cruel and mean at the end of this that could make you feel breathless with shock and hurt.
but no ammunition
áll i have is this wallowing self pity
pathetic
and then to come and expose it in your inbox,
you must be crazy if you think i will actually send this
Sunday, June 12
went here
a message in a bottle
and so i am putting my fave ee here as well
anyone lived in a pretty how town
(with up so floating many bells down)
spring summer autumn winter
he sang his didn't he danced his did.
women and men (both little and small)
cared for anyone not at all
they sowed their isn't they reaped their same
sun moon stars rain
children guessed (but only a few
and down they forgot as up they grew)
autumn winter spring summer
that noone loved him more by more
when by now and tree by leaf
she laughed his joy she cried his grief
bird by snow and stir by still
anyone's any was all to her
someones married their everyones
laughed their cryings and did their dance
(sleep wake hope and then)
they said their nevers they slept their dream
stars rain sun moon
(and only the snow can begin to explain
how children are apt to forget to remember
with up so floating many bells down)
one day anyone died i guess
(and noone stooped to kiss his face)
busy folk buried them side by side
little by little and was by was
all by all and deep by deep
and more by more they dream their sleep
noone and anyone earth by april
wish by spirit and if by yes.
Women and men (both dong and ding)
summer autumn winter spring
reaped their sowing and went their came
sun moon stars rain
- i actually illustrated this and made a scrollof this once, as a classroom exercise.... anyhow. if by yes...
and so i am putting my fave ee here as well
anyone lived in a pretty how town
(with up so floating many bells down)
spring summer autumn winter
he sang his didn't he danced his did.
women and men (both little and small)
cared for anyone not at all
they sowed their isn't they reaped their same
sun moon stars rain
children guessed (but only a few
and down they forgot as up they grew)
autumn winter spring summer
that noone loved him more by more
when by now and tree by leaf
she laughed his joy she cried his grief
bird by snow and stir by still
anyone's any was all to her
someones married their everyones
laughed their cryings and did their dance
(sleep wake hope and then)
they said their nevers they slept their dream
stars rain sun moon
(and only the snow can begin to explain
how children are apt to forget to remember
with up so floating many bells down)
one day anyone died i guess
(and noone stooped to kiss his face)
busy folk buried them side by side
little by little and was by was
all by all and deep by deep
and more by more they dream their sleep
noone and anyone earth by april
wish by spirit and if by yes.
Women and men (both dong and ding)
summer autumn winter spring
reaped their sowing and went their came
sun moon stars rain
- i actually illustrated this and made a scrollof this once, as a classroom exercise.... anyhow. if by yes...
Friday, June 10
namesake
You Live Your Life as if it's Real
some strange but nice poetry - chanced upon while looking for similar names...
so opportune time to tell you why as if and why reference to mian asif
i had to bill someone for some design services
and had to get a letterhead done
and so got to wondering to what my company one day should be called
and with my initials - a and s.. which would mean 'as'
what could be added
as you like it
as and when
as of now
as if
and 'as if' sounded good, short and usable, if with its potential for almost everything
but if 'as' standed for me, 'if' too would have had to stand for something
so.
intelligent female
interested in freelancing
irritated fortunehunter
irascible fathead
all kinds of things
with my imagination fired
...
and so 'imagination fired' - was it, a little much, but true
fired - not only fiery but also the connotation of fired objects of pottery (with high possibility of me beginning something to do with pottery)
so far so good
and then meghana says,
anyone with no english will read it as 'asif' - the name
so what to do
but then why not
and i shall have a multilingual thing, so important if you work in the crafts sector, not to mention multi religion too!!
m.i.a.n. a.s.i.f.
(meghana is a nut aanchal s. imagination fired)
some strange but nice poetry - chanced upon while looking for similar names...
so opportune time to tell you why as if and why reference to mian asif
i had to bill someone for some design services
and had to get a letterhead done
and so got to wondering to what my company one day should be called
and with my initials - a and s.. which would mean 'as'
what could be added
as you like it
as and when
as of now
as if
and 'as if' sounded good, short and usable, if with its potential for almost everything
but if 'as' standed for me, 'if' too would have had to stand for something
so.
intelligent female
interested in freelancing
irritated fortunehunter
irascible fathead
all kinds of things
with my imagination fired
...
and so 'imagination fired' - was it, a little much, but true
fired - not only fiery but also the connotation of fired objects of pottery (with high possibility of me beginning something to do with pottery)
so far so good
and then meghana says,
anyone with no english will read it as 'asif' - the name
so what to do
but then why not
and i shall have a multilingual thing, so important if you work in the crafts sector, not to mention multi religion too!!
m.i.a.n. a.s.i.f.
(meghana is a nut aanchal s. imagination fired)
Sunday, June 5
changing backdrops....
"What is the purpose, I wonder, of all this restlessness? I sometimes seem to myself to wander around the world merely accumulating material for future nostalgias..."
my sister sent me this - from vikram seth - its true tho - sometimes i think i love the souvenirs more than the trip, the trip for the souvenirs and not the other way round, the journey should be important, but i'd rather collect stories, picking up chracters and chucking the ones that don't fit the plot, and putting in twists to keep the suspense going, the aderalin flowing... not behaving at all as if it is real....
maybe it isn't.
my sister sent me this - from vikram seth - its true tho - sometimes i think i love the souvenirs more than the trip, the trip for the souvenirs and not the other way round, the journey should be important, but i'd rather collect stories, picking up chracters and chucking the ones that don't fit the plot, and putting in twists to keep the suspense going, the aderalin flowing... not behaving at all as if it is real....
maybe it isn't.
Friday, June 3
leap before you walk
MAY 22 - a hundred
JUNE 3 - three hundred and twenty nine - maybe i should stand for elections now!!
hmm, so new room to live in, bought cheapie electric kettle and a clothes iron - and went for a heritage walk where i took terrible pictures with a borrowed camera... but a fairly good thing in all... went to "biscuit galli" - what a name - didnt find so much biscuit as bamboo there and "bartan bazaar" - true to its name....
and died in the heat.
yeah, i am dead. go home now, its over - i am dead.
d -uh - well resurrecting to say - firang skyped happiness with my worka nd hope to work with you again types and me done with him - me azaad panchi! me like the bird i'll only fly away! tomorrow start work on the next project! whew - unending series of super excitement, i can't take it i tell you, i just can't....
btw Mr. Karkhanis, thank you for your judgemental assessment of my interests, honoured that you approve!
JUNE 3 - three hundred and twenty nine - maybe i should stand for elections now!!
hmm, so new room to live in, bought cheapie electric kettle and a clothes iron - and went for a heritage walk where i took terrible pictures with a borrowed camera... but a fairly good thing in all... went to "biscuit galli" - what a name - didnt find so much biscuit as bamboo there and "bartan bazaar" - true to its name....
and died in the heat.
yeah, i am dead. go home now, its over - i am dead.
d -uh - well resurrecting to say - firang skyped happiness with my worka nd hope to work with you again types and me done with him - me azaad panchi! me like the bird i'll only fly away! tomorrow start work on the next project! whew - unending series of super excitement, i can't take it i tell you, i just can't....
btw Mr. Karkhanis, thank you for your judgemental assessment of my interests, honoured that you approve!
Thursday, June 2
... in a mood for over the border hugs ....
pakistan has always been the other side - but my recent interest in hindi poetry - faiz, kabir etc, - has prompted me to read excellent blogs on
www.streetphotos.net/blog/
and the amazing
www.chowk.com
and nothing to do with poetry but amazingly popular and prolific
http://indiauncut.blogspot.com
and their better half bothprose and poetry
http://middlestage.blogspot.com/
hmmm, again blog becoming about other blogs
but however, in case you didnt notice,
I AM BACK!!
Aanchal
www.streetphotos.net/blog/
and the amazing
www.chowk.com
and nothing to do with poetry but amazingly popular and prolific
http://indiauncut.blogspot.com
and their better half bothprose and poetry
http://middlestage.blogspot.com/
hmmm, again blog becoming about other blogs
but however, in case you didnt notice,
I AM BACK!!
Aanchal
contagious heartbreak
amazing how everyone's story is the same, how when work life sours, so does love life but without histronics of betrayal, simply disappointment
and you know you just need to get out, and have nothing holding you back but the sheer comfort zone of friends -
have to move on, got to get going - and the new place may have the same thing repeating - but nothing is as unberable as nothing at all.........
a colleague, I think, seems to be halfway in love but seems to be getting nowhere, but know that her dissatisfaction with work is escalating at the same time... repeat of my time in bangalore... i know her guy is already engaged or getting there...
I hope she leaves the town soon............ she needs some fresh air......... and fresh people. I really like her now and she gave me good dinner today, but only for her sanity's sake, I hope she either finds somebody or something not only for passing/ killing time but to live it, there's only so much of it anyway, we can't while it away... not like this...
nor should I.
and you know you just need to get out, and have nothing holding you back but the sheer comfort zone of friends -
have to move on, got to get going - and the new place may have the same thing repeating - but nothing is as unberable as nothing at all.........
a colleague, I think, seems to be halfway in love but seems to be getting nowhere, but know that her dissatisfaction with work is escalating at the same time... repeat of my time in bangalore... i know her guy is already engaged or getting there...
I hope she leaves the town soon............ she needs some fresh air......... and fresh people. I really like her now and she gave me good dinner today, but only for her sanity's sake, I hope she either finds somebody or something not only for passing/ killing time but to live it, there's only so much of it anyway, we can't while it away... not like this...
nor should I.
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